The Mating Rituals of Childhood Friends
by Blade of Justice
Summary: Chizuru just can't grasp how they make it work. All they're doing tonight is lying on the floor, ignoring their guests, and yelling at each other. Is that really what it's all about?


"Takeru-chan..."

"No."

"Takeru-channnnnnn..."

"Nooooooo..."

"Takeeeeeeru-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan."

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnno."

The back and forth between the two childhood friends was starting to become too much for those onlooking to bear. The pair was lazily lying on the floor, not even looking at each other, trying in vain to win this epic battle of the wills. It was the greatest battle the world had seen yet, greater even than the weekend the arcade had stayed open without closing and Takeru and Mikoto had gone for 48 hours straight playing Valgern-On in a series of battles so amazing, all that anyone had to say to them after was that they weren't going to be the ones paying for their optometry appointments when their eyes finally gave out.

"Mmmmmrrrghhhh..."

"Is that the sound a Henyu makes?"

"Takeru-chan, stop playing with your imaginary friends and-"

"No."

The female of the pair engaging in this strange courtship ritual was silent for a moment. After some consideration, she raised one of her legs into the air, before bringing it down — not hard by any means, but more than enough for it to make a noticeable sound. With this step completed, the female proceeded to do the same with her other leg... and then she did it with the first leg... and then the other... and the other... and the other... and the other... and then she raised both higher and higher and higher, before bringing both crashing down to the earth!

The female of the childhood friend species was truly a sight to behold when attempting to speak to her mate.

"Takeru-chan!"

"Nah."

"Takeru-chan! Takeru-chan! Takeru-chan! Takeru-chan!"

"Nope, no way, nada, never!"

Seeming to accept her defeat at the hands of the male, the female spread her legs out on the floor, groaning in frustration. Still unwilling to rise up from the floor or look at her nemesis, she was starting to realize that she would have to take drastic measures to get what she wanted. Preparing the feminine call of her species, one of its greatest weapons against the males, the female took in a breath and released it, knowing the male would not be able to resist once she loosed it into the room.

"Takeru-sama."

"Better. But no."

"Please... _Da~r~ling?_ "

"Gross."

"You jerk!"

"I love you too."

"O-Oh... Well in that case..."

"Heh."

"As if that would work on me, stupid!"

"You're stupid!"

Indeed, the courtship rituals of Shirogane Takeru and Kagami Sumika were a sight to behold. A marvel of modern romance.

From their cozy spot underneath a nearby kotatsu, the friends of this ever rambunctious pair exchanged looks of varying degrees of frustration-slash-amusement. Some, like Mikoto, seemed to be either in their own world... or maybe they genuinely did think what they were witnessing was a riot. Then there were ones like Tamase and Ayamine, who probably really did think watching these idiots act out their little romantic comedy routine for them was kind of funny. If not that, then maybe they thought it was a spectator sport, at the very least. Once Sumika started punching, it usually became one.

On the other side of things, however, there was Marimo, who had come this evening to visit her ex-students on a whim (as she was prone to), seen this setting, and only found herself horribly depressed by it (... also as she was prone to...). Then there was Chizuru, who had found herself unable to take this kind of idiocy so early on, but who was paradoxically too stubborn to leave her friends when she had wanted to spend time with them on a day off. And there was... was... Had Yuuko left? And Suzumiya, where had she gone?

"Sheesh... I don't know how these two are together." It was the bespectacled Chizuru that finally broke the silence reigning over the kotatsu group. Multiple pairs of eyes turned to her, but she was still gazing at the pair lying on the ground with a mixture of pity and annoyance. "No, actually, I don't know how they're _getting_ _married_ in two months. How on earth did _that_ happen..."

"Maybe this is what true love looks like." The voice of their old high school physics teacher came from somewhere. Not the front room with the couple and the kotatsu crew, that much was clear. She wasn't looking for alcohol again, was she? She should know better after the last time. "It would explain why Marimo took so long to find someone that could last more than a year."

Marimo's response was in the form of her face smacking onto the table. Soon enough, twin trails of her tears began to comically fall from either side of her face, which she soon buried into her arms. Yuuko simply laughed merrily from her perch... wherever it was.

This was yet another of the comedy routines these students seemed to love watching.

Chizuru sighed. She gave her old teacher a gentle pat on the back, before glancing towards the pair of buffoons on the floor in the hopes she could point out something about them to make Marimo feel better. It quickly became clear that that would not be happening any time soon.

"Oh yeah? Well _I_ love _you_ so much that _I_ could fight _aliens_ just for you! Hahahahaha!"

"That's impossible. Aliens don't exist, Takeru-chan."

At some point, the couple on the floor had changed their topic of conversation. In true romantic-comedy fashion, they'd changed from arguing about whether or not Takeru was going to do something for Sumika, and were now having a heated match that would decide who cared more about the other. The courting habits of these two really was a scientific marvel. No wonder Yuuko enjoyed studying them so. What was it she had called him again? A love nucleus?

Of course, all while this was going on, they were still lying on the floor like a pair of lazy bums. Some nucleus.

"Then I'd fight a robot for you!"

"You do that in your games anyway. That doesn't count."

"I didn't say I'd be in one, moron."

"What kind of thing is that to say?! You think I'd want you to be squished for me?!"

"Is that a challenge?"

"A challenge to _what_? See how much I like kissing mashed potatoes after Mister Big Strong Man loses to a robot?"

"Are you saying I'd lose?! To you?!"

"Do you think you'd be able to win?! At least I wouldn't pick a fight like that!"

"Hah! So you're saying you give up and I love you more!"

"I'm saying I'd rather be able to come back home to you than win a dumb fight, _stupid_!"

"... Sumika..."

"... W-What?"

"That still means I win."

"TAKERU-CHAN, YOU IDIOT! LET'S GO! I CAN STILL BEAT _YOU_!"

"YOU'RE ON!"

The ritual apparently now completed, it appeared that now it was time for the childhood friends to go. Their war declarations made, they finally got up, and in a fraction of the time they had been lying there arguing, they got up, yelled something about going to play Valgern-On, ran out the door, and were gone.

...

"Uwaaah. They broke their record."

"D'you think they'll bring us souvenirs?"

"Yoroi, you don't want souvenirs from where they're going."

This group... Chizuru couldn't handle it! She just couldn't!

How did it come to this?

Groaning miserably, Chizuru rubbed her temples. Maybe Yuuko-sensei had a point about this pair after all...

"So, who wants make bets whether or not they can make it to the arcade?" Already the purple haired woman was turning over a container to gather coins at bills. Wait, when had she plopped down at the kotatsu anywa... oh never mind. She was too serious about this to question it. Those eyes didn't lie. "I'll make it worth your whi~ile."

What an awful thing to gamble on! Chizuru frowned. Where was that coming from? If she was worried about their health, or if they'd get into such a terrible fight before they arrived, shouldn't she have stopped them from leaving? Honestly... This woman just loved to toy with lives, didn't she?

Just as the once-upon-a-time Class Rep opened her mouth to protest, her still-upon-a-time "rival" beat her to the punch and explained everything with just one brief phrase.

"I bet love hotel." Ayamine?!

Chizuru's eyes widened. How could they think that of their friends- And after the fight they had been having too! Didn't they understand how relationships worked? If anything, they should have sent someone to watch over them in case they got separated, or... Or...

"I-I'll bet the love hotel..." N-No! Chizuru couldn't believe who had spoken that time. Even _Tamase_ was betting that was where they were headed?!

"Definitely love hotel." Not Yoroi too!

They couldn't be serious about this, could they? They just _couldn't_ be! This was the two goofballs that had just been arguing about robots and calling each other dumb names for _three hours_. How did that _possibly_ equate to them ending up at a love hotel before it did them beating each other up at a video game like they had intended?

Chizuru was baffled.

"I... I don't think..." She tried to explain it to the others, but they were all looking at her with such confidence that even she found herself hesitant. After all... they _were_ getting married soon... Was this... _really_ how love looked when you got to that stage of a relationship...? She couldn't believe it... No, she wouldn't. She wouldn't! She refused! "I don't think they're going to go to a love hotel."

Nodding firmly, Chizuru reached for her purse to withdraw some funds to add to the pot.

Just as she was about to drop her addition in, she found herself hesitating once more. She _did_ know the two of them, and _because_ she knew them, she couldn't help but pause here...

She had to put some fine print on this bet.

"... before they get to an arcade, at least..."

* * *

They got the call just a little while later. Barely an hour, if that, by Chizuru's estimate. Expecting to have to tell someone that they'd be putting a hold on the night's activities to either give someone a ride or, maybe worse than that, get someone to (or from?) the hospital, Chizuru was the one who volunteered to pick up the phone.

She regretted this decision the instant she heard Shirogane Takeru's voice on the other end of the line.

"Ehehehe, sorry guys, I, uh, I don't think we'll be back tonight... You know how it is, ahahahaha!"

To make matters worse, because it wasn't bad enough that everyone in the room could probably hear everything on the phone, following Shirogane, a less-than-sober sounding Kagami Sumika could be heard plain as day in the background.

"Takaeru-chaaaaaan, they already _know_ where we are! Just come oooonnnn... I don't wanna wait anyyymooooooore!"

"Y-Yeah, yeah, I know- So anyway, help yourself to our food, you guys know where my extra key is, whoever leaves last has to lock up- Wha, no, Sumika, down, get down! I'm still on the pho-"

 **CLICK**

 **BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...**

And that was that.

Hanging up the phone and feeling like she was hanging up her pride all at once, Chizuru looked across the room at the expectant group. They had no doubt as to what the answer was. If they ever had had any at any point in time, she was certain her face gave it away anyway.

She was left with only one option.

"So... H-How about I order us some food?"


End file.
